Supporting Your Transgender Loved Ones
Someone you care about has told you they are transgender. So, now what?
First and foremost, you should feel pretty special. Unfortunately, there is a great deal of stigma around being transgender. For someone who identifies as trans, it can be a truly terrifying experience to take this step and share their truth with others. At its core, what this means is that they trust you, they value your presence in their life, and they want you to know them at their most authentic level of being. And that should feel pretty awesome! I’m sure you have questions about what this all means and how to process this new information. And maybe you’re even wondering how this might change your relationship with them. More importantly, I hope you’re asking yourself, “Wow, this must’ve been tough for them to share. How can I be supportive?”
Take some time to educate yourself, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Remember, the discomfort they feel is far deeper than your own. Be mindful not to burden someone else with the responsibility of educating you on all things transgender. Transgender individuals have so much potential to live healthy, happy, vibrant lives but you play a major role in that journey too.
There is a marked, generational divide in how we think about gender today. In order to bridge this gap, those of us who were raised with a more limited view of gender can take this as an opportunity to explore this area with new eyes. This is your chance to read, ask questions, and choose to open your mind to differences in order to better understand gender expansivity.
What does being transgender mean?
No one knows for sure what makes a person lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning (LGBTQ) or straight. There are many theories (biology, environment, personal experiences, etc.) but there isn’t just one cause. No matter the reason, all orientations and identities are normal. It’s part of who we are! (The Trevor Project, 2019)
Transgender individuals experience a marked incongruence between their gender assigned at birth (based on their sexual anatomy) and their experienced gender identity (APA, 2013).
Someone who identifies as transgender, (or trans, which is also a very acceptable way of referring to their experience) is someone who feels intense distress around the body they are in versus who they feel they are. This is not a choice, a preference, or a proclivity to adopt the dress of another gender. These are all disruptive and offensive myths to someone who is trans. Just as you did not choose your eye color, they did not choose to be born into a life so complex.
Being transgender doesn’t necessarily mean someone suffers from gender dysphoria, but they are far more likely to.
Unfortunately, with such a negative stigma around being trans and a major lack of understanding across society comes an even greater problem. 42% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year, including more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth. This statistic is cut in half for those with at least one supportive person in their life (The Trevor Project, 2021).
Simply reading this means you already have the potential to change that dialogue by educating yourself and becoming a supportive ally!
*Image Credit: Florida International State University*
"Developed by Associate Director of LGBTQA Initiatives at FIU, Dr. Erica Jayne Friedman, the Flying Gender Unicorn is a tool used to expand on a discussion of differences between sexuality identity, sexual attraction, emotional attraction, gender identity, gender expression, and gender assigned at birth."
This graphic is a wonderful representation, originally created by the Trans Student Educational Resources organization and recently further evolved by Dr. Erica Jayne Friedman at Florida International University. It is widely used to educate people on the differences between gender identity, gender expression, sex, sexuality, and beyond. These areas tend to be the most confusing elements that the trans community is often unfairly expected to explain to society. Don’t feel bad if you don’t understand these differences as you probably haven’t had to think about it much. Hopefully this visual helps you think about all of this in a more approachable way (FIU.edu, 2021).
What Does It Mean to Transition?
Some transgender individuals decide to go through a full medical transition process to affirm their gender identity, some decide to go through a series of hormone-related therapies, some decide only on various elements of social transition and some do absolutely nothing at all. This experience is intensely unique and personal to each individual and often influenced by barriers like insurance, financial means, and access to care. Not one of these paths makes someone more trans or less trans than anyone else. Everyone’s experience is completely unique and you should be sure to respect that.
Your transgender loved ones do not owe anyone an explanation about their body or their journey. More importantly, it is not their responsibility to be “passable” enough before you acknowledge their correct pronouns when referring to them or using the name that matches their true identity, even if that is not what was given to them at birth. If you are unsure or can’t remember or simply don’t understand, just ask! It is far more respectful to ask someone how they like to be addressed rather than to misgender them, which can be quite triggering for some people. (Becerra-Culqui, et al, 2017).
As we have evolved our language and sensitivity, we have learned that using terms like preferred gender pronouns is outdated and insensitive as this implies choice. You do have a choice and that is to be respectful of someone’s identity or to be offensive. Mistakes are permissible, intentional insensitivity is not.
Elements of the Transition Process
Social Transition: A process that involves changing the way that an individual lives their day to day life. including gender expression, changing their name/ pronouns (he/him, she/her, they/them, etc) and choosing clothing that aligns more with their true identity (Turban & Keuroghlian, 2018).
PBT:
Puberty Blockage Therapy, essentially freezes the youth in time, physiologically.
For adolescents with intense gender dysphoria, it is recommended that pubertal suppression be initiated as soon as physical signs of puberty are present. There is a delicate balance here of not starting this process too early though, as sex organs are used to create new genitalia in the medical transition process (and very beneficial should they choose this path) but also not too late so that puberty has not had the chance to fully activate as those changes are often hard to reverse. At times, waiting too long can mean more surgeries are often desired to change what has already occurred (squaring of the jaw in males, early breast formation in females, etc). Sometimes this process can allow time for exploration and social transition, to allow for mental health counseling/evaluation to explore options and assess for dysphoria, and even give the youth an opportunity to explore their identity on their own terms. PBT is reversible whereas further processes down the road are not, making this the best option for transgender youth (Panagiotakopoulos, 2018).
HRT:
Hormone Replacement Therapy, is the masculinization/feminization process of transition,
This is a very normal stage for someone who decides that medical transition is necessary to affirm their gender identity. This stage is not reversible, unlike PBT. In this stage, the body is medically induced into a hormonal state that mimics what the desired sex would experience in puberty naturally. For instance, during the natural progression of puberty, an individual begins to experience fat redistribution throughout areas of the body, hair growth, changes in muscular tone, etc (Priest, 2019).
Gender Affirmation Surgery is a quite complex process that can have many stages.
It can be quite costly and is unique to every person. It also is important to note that this process is very personal. Some go through what is called top surgery, where the breasts are removed and that is enough for them, some proceed with bottom surgery which is extremely complicated and comes with a lot of risk as does any medical surgical procedure. These are personal decisions and what the person chooses to do should be shared on their terms.
Knowing you may have a lot of curiosity around this information, be respectful and let them maintain control of this information (Ruth and Santa Cruz, 2017).
How can I support them?
Transgender people who are rejected by their family, friends and/or communities are
much more likely to engage in self-harm and/or consider suicide due to the distress they
experience in life, sometimes as early as age 4.
Approximately 54.8% of transgender individuals report self-injury, and 31% have attempted suicide. However, it is important to consider that those with supportive people in their lives are 82% less likely to attempt suicide. So if you take anything away from this, know the impact that you have on them by being supportive and showing up in their lives (Taliaferro, 2019).
Be there if they need to talk, ask questions, and show an interest in their experience. Many people are afraid that they are going to say the wrong thing or just simply won’t understand, so they shy away and often turn their backs on people who identify as transgender. Remember, showing an interest and asking questions shows that you do care, that you want to understand the right things to say, and that you are prepared to walk this road with them and in support of them.
5 Tips to Being a Better Ally
Educate Yourself
Start a Conversation
Reach out to your local church, synagogue, community center or school and engage folx in a dialogue around the harmful impacts of transphobia.
Hoping someone else will lead the charge only slow progress.
Volunteer your time
Local LGBTQ Centers are always in need of support. Find yours by visiting Center Link and asking how you can help.
Transphobic violence and suicide are the leading causes of death for trans folx. Crisis centers like The Trevor Project and The Trans Lifeline are talk/text/chat lines where you can also offer your time.
Hold Others Accountable
Disrupt conversations that are harmful to trans people. They are NEVER acceptable.
Take Action
Bring awareness to heteronormative discrepancies on forms, contracts, applications, surveys, etc. when you see them.
Call or write your congressional representative and ask for their views on trans issues and educate them on changes they should consider making to be more inclusive and supportive.
Visit Head Count if you need direction on finding yours.
Start Working with A Trans Friendly Therapist in Red Bank, NJ
Supporting your trans teen can seem easier said than done at times. Working with a therapist who understands the unique challenges trans folks face is vital. This is why Thomas Blake Therapy is happy to offer the support you deserve. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Schedule a free, 15-minute consultation
Begin meeting with Thomas Blake, a caring LGBTQ Affirming Therapist
Find support in a safe and inclusive space!
Other Services Offered at Thomas Blake Therapy
At Thomas Blake Therapy, I understand that you may be struggling to overcome more than one issue. So in addition to providing support with LGBTQ Affirmative Therapy to help support you with your mental health, I offer EMDR Therapy to help individuals recover from trauma and other distressing life experiences, Narrative Therapy where I will work collaboratively with you to dissect the problematic story of your life and reshape that dialogue, and Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy to accelerate healing in those who have struggled to heal from chronic emotional pain due to treatment resistance. If any of these services resonate with you feel free to reach out. My online therapy services are offered in California and New Jersey. For more about me and my services, check out my Bio and Blog!
Resources
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental
disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA.
Becerra-Culqui, T., Liu, Y., Nash, R., Cromwell, L., Flanders, D., Getahun, D., . . .
Goodman, M. (2018). Mental health of transgender and gender nonconforming
youth compared with their peers. American Academy of Pediatrics. 141,5. DOI:
10.1542/peds.2017-3845
Birnkrant, J. M. & Przeworski. (2017). Communication, advocacy, and acceptance amongsupport-seeking parents of transgender youth. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Mental Health. 21:2 , 132-153. DOI: 10.1080/19359705.2016.1277173
The flying gender unicorn. (2020, July 15). Retrieved from: https://studentaffairs.fiu.edu/get-involved/social-justice-and-inclusion/pride-center/_assets/theflyinggenderunicorn.pdf
Panagiotakopoulos, L. (2018). Transgender medicine - Puberty suppression. Reviews in
Endocrine and Metabolic Disorders. 19 , 221-225. doi:10.1007/s11154-018-9457-0
Priest, M. (2019). Transgender children and the right to transition: Medical ethics when
parents mean well but cause harm. American Journal of Bioethics. 19 (2) :45-59.
Ruth, R. R. & Santacruz, E. (2017). LGBT psychology and mental health:Emerging
research and advances. Santa Barbara, CA
Trevor support center glossary. (2019, May 21). Retrieved from https://
www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/glossary/
The Trevor Project. (2021). 2021 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health. West Hollywood, California: The Trevor Project.
Turban, J. L. & Keuroghlian, K.S. (2018). Dynamic gender presentations: understanding
transition and “de-transition” among transgender youth. American Academy of
Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 57:7 , 451-453. DOI:10.1016/j.jaac.2018.03.016
Understanding gender. (2019, May 22). Retrieved fromhttps://www.genderspectrum.org/
quick-links/understanding-gender/
