Navigating the Holidays When Family Trauma is Triggered: A Therapist’s Guide
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time for joy, connection, and celebration, filled with festive meals, laughter, and togetherness. Yet, for many, the holidays are one of the most challenging times of the year. This can be especially true for those of us who have experienced trauma within our families or have complex histories with loved ones. The expectation to gather with family members can intensify feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, or even dread, making the holiday season feel like an emotional minefield rather than a time of peace and joy.
As a trauma therapist specializing in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and trauma recovery, I’ve had the honor of working with many individuals who face these challenges, helping them find ways to navigate the holiday season in ways that are both empowering and self-compassionate. Let’s explore practical steps for navigating these tough moments, drawing on trauma-informed techniques to help you maintain control, honor your needs, and embrace the holiday season on your terms.
Understanding Holiday Triggers and Their Impact
Before diving into coping strategies, it’s important to understand why the holiday season can be particularly triggering for trauma survivors. Triggers are cues in our environment that remind us of past traumas, which can set off a chain reaction of memories, emotions, and bodily sensations. During the holidays, triggers can come from various sources, such as the presence of certain people, particular family dynamics, or even familiar places or traditions.
For those with a history of trauma within the family, spending time around people who may have contributed to or were involved in those experiences can reawaken painful memories and emotional wounds. You might experience feelings of anxiety, helplessness, or anger. Your fight-or-flight response may be activated, making it difficult to feel calm or safe. These responses are normal, and it’s crucial to remind yourself that feeling triggered doesn’t mean you’re weak or overreacting; it’s your mind’s natural way of protecting you.
Step 1: Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
First, validate your own experience. You may feel societal or familial pressure to “forgive and forget” or to just “let go” of what happened. But trauma isn’t something that can simply be brushed aside; it requires time, care, and often professional support to work through. Acknowledging and accepting your feelings—whether they’re anger, sadness, resentment, or fear—is essential.
Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel however you feel. The holidays don’t need to look or feel a certain way, especially when your well-being is at stake. There is no right or wrong way to approach them, only what feels safest and healthiest for you.
Step 2: Create a Safety Plan
When it comes to trauma recovery, safety is paramount. If you’re planning to attend family gatherings or holiday events that may include people tied to past traumas, a safety plan can help you feel more in control. Here are a few components to consider for your plan:
1. Establish Boundaries: Decide ahead of time what behaviors or topics are off-limits for you. Maybe you’re not comfortable discussing certain aspects of your life, or you don’t want to be around specific people without someone you trust nearby. Communicate these boundaries with someone supportive or, if appropriate, let family members know in advance.
2. Have an Exit Strategy: Give yourself permission to leave if things become overwhelming. Arrange your own transportation, or if you’re staying overnight, have a backup plan to spend the night elsewhere if needed.
3. Identify a Support Person: Bring a trusted friend or partner if possible, or have a friend available for a phone call if you need a moment to vent or recalibrate.
4. Limit Time: If being around certain people for extended periods feels unsafe or triggering, set time limits for yourself. Commit to staying for a short while, and give yourself the freedom to leave early if you need to.
5. Use Grounding Techniques: If you feel triggered, grounding techniques can help you reconnect with the present moment. Try techniques like deep breathing, identifying items around the room, or focusing on the sensation of your feet on the ground.
Step 3: Prioritize Self-Care and Recovery Practices
It’s easy to get swept up in the holiday season and overlook self-care, but nurturing yourself is essential to maintaining emotional balance. Here are some trauma-informed self-care strategies to keep in mind:
• Routine is Your Friend: Maintaining a daily routine, even during travel or while staying with family, can give you a sense of stability. Try to keep consistent sleep, meal, and exercise habits.
• Practice EMDR Techniques: EMDR therapy involves techniques that can be helpful for grounding and self-soothing outside of therapy sessions. If you’re working with a therapist, discuss techniques like bilateral stimulation (e.g., tapping or listening to soothing music in headphones) to help calm the nervous system if you’re triggered.
• Self-Compassion Over Perfection: It’s okay if you feel stressed, sad, or anxious during the holidays. Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that these feelings are understandable given your history, and give yourself grace for any emotions that come up.
• Incorporate Calming Activities: Make space for calming practices that help you unwind, such as journaling, meditation, art, or even a daily walk. These activities can help you decompress and reconnect with yourself.
Step 4: Know That You Have a Choice
One of the most empowering realizations in trauma recovery is that you have a choice in how you engage with your family, your time, and your energy. You are not obligated to attend gatherings that feel unsafe or to be around people who have hurt you. Choosing not to attend, or to leave early, is a powerful and valid decision.
If you’re worried about potential backlash from family members, consider rehearsing a gentle yet firm way of communicating your decision. Something like, “I’ve decided to take this holiday to focus on my own well-being,” can convey your needs without going into details you don’t wish to share. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own healing over others’ expectations.
Step 5: Seek Professional Support
If the holidays feel overwhelming, it might be helpful to reach out to a trauma therapist. Therapy, and EMDR specifically, can be invaluable in helping you process difficult memories and find ways to feel more empowered and safe in situations that might otherwise feel triggering.
Working with a therapist can provide you with personalized tools for coping with holiday triggers and help you heal from the past in a supportive and confidential environment. For those of us in Pasadena, CA, or Red Bank, NJ, consider reaching out to a trauma therapist who can help you navigate these experiences with understanding and compassion.
Empowering Yourself Through the Season
The holiday season doesn’t have to be a time of stress or pain. With the right tools, boundaries, and support, you can approach this season in a way that honors your needs and safeguards your mental and emotional well-being. Remember, healing from trauma is a journey, and each step you take toward self-care and self-compassion is a testament to your resilience. Be gentle with yourself, stay mindful of your needs, and know that you have the power to make this holiday season one that centers your peace and well-being.
Start EMDR Trauma Therapy in Red Bank, NJ or Pasadena, CA
If you or someone you know is struggling, know that support is available. Empower yourself to take the steps that feel right for you, and let this holiday season be a time of self-empowerment, healing, and peace. As an EMDR therapist, I would be happy to support you and your loved ones during the holiday season and all year round. You can start your therapy journey with Thomas Blake Therapy by following these steps:
Schedule a free, 15-minute consultation to see if EMDR Therapy is best for you
Meet with Thomas Blake, a skilled EMDR Therapist
Start finding lasting, healing relief!
Other Services Offered at Thomas Blake Therapy
At Thomas Blake Therapy, I understand that you may be struggling to overcome more than one issue. So in addition to EMDR Therapy to help you heal from trauma, anxiety, and more, I’m happy to also offer LGBTQ Affirming Therapy to support and advocate for the experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals. I also offer Narrative Therapy where I will work collaboratively with you to dissect the problematic story of your life and reshape that dialogue. In addition, I use Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy to accelerate healing in patients who have struggled to heal from chronic emotional pain due to treatment resistance. If any of these services resonate with you feel free to reach out. My online therapy services are offered in California and New Jersey. For more about me and my services, check out my Bio and Blog!
