The Impact of Trauma on Attachment and Relationships

Our earliest relationships shape the way we connect with others for the rest of our lives. Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explains how the bonds we form in childhood influence our adult relationships. When those early attachments are secure, we develop a sense of trust, safety, and connection. But when trauma enters the picture—whether from childhood neglect, abuse, relational wounds, or other adverse experiences—it can deeply impact how we relate to others, often making intimacy and trust more challenging.

As an EMDR trauma therapist, I see firsthand how unresolved trauma affects attachment patterns and relationships. Trauma often disrupts our ability to feel safe with others, leading to cycles of anxiety, avoidance, or disconnection in relationships. Understanding how this plays out can help us move toward healing and more secure, fulfilling connections.

Attachment Theory: The Blueprint for Our Relationships

Attachment theory suggests that the way we bond with our primary caregivers as children forms a template for how we experience relationships as adults. There are four main attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment – Individuals with secure attachment had caregivers who were consistently responsive and nurturing. As adults, they tend to have healthy relationships, trust others, and navigate conflict with relative ease.

2. Anxious Attachment – This develops when caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes emotionally available, sometimes withdrawn. As adults, people with anxious attachment often fear abandonment, crave reassurance, and may struggle with emotional regulation in relationships.

3. Avoidant Attachment – When caregivers were emotionally unavailable or dismissive, children learn to self-soothe and become highly independent. As adults, they may avoid intimacy, struggle to express emotions, and feel overwhelmed by closeness.

4. Disorganized Attachment – This develops when a caregiver is both a source of comfort and a source of fear (often in cases of abuse or neglect). As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment may struggle with both craving connection and fearing it, leading to chaotic or volatile relationship patterns.

While these attachment styles form early, they are not fixed. With self-awareness, therapeutic work, and corrective emotional experiences, attachment patterns can shift toward greater security.

The Role of Trauma in Attachment Disruptions

Trauma—whether from childhood experiences, abusive relationships, loss, or other distressing events—can significantly impact attachment patterns. Even those who initially developed a secure attachment can become anxious, avoidant, or disorganized in their relational patterns after experiencing trauma.

1. Trauma and Anxious Attachment

For those who have experienced abandonment, betrayal, or unpredictable caregiving, trauma can heighten anxious attachment tendencies. This can manifest as:

• Intense fear of abandonment or rejection

• Hypervigilance for signs of disinterest or withdrawal

• Difficulty trusting that love and care are consistent

• Overcompensating in relationships, often at personal expense

Individuals with trauma-related anxious attachment often feel like they must “earn” love or prove their worth to avoid being left. This can lead to cycles of emotional exhaustion and unhealthy relational dynamics.

2. Trauma and Avoidant Attachment

When trauma has taught someone that closeness leads to pain—whether from emotional neglect, betrayal, or manipulation—they may develop avoidant strategies to protect themselves. This can look like:

• Keeping relationships at arm’s length

• Avoiding vulnerability or emotional expression

• Becoming overwhelmed or shutting down in conflict

• Prioritizing self-sufficiency to an extreme

Avoidant attachment often stems from the belief that relying on others is unsafe, leading to deep loneliness despite an outward appearance of independence.

3. Trauma and Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is particularly common in individuals who have experienced relational trauma, such as childhood abuse or domestic violence. Because their primary attachment figure was also a source of harm, they internalize conflicting messages about relationships—both craving intimacy and fearing it at the same time. This can manifest as:

• Pushing people away while simultaneously fearing abandonment

• Struggling with emotional regulation and impulsivity

• Intense relationship conflicts or repeated patterns of toxic relationships

• Feeling trapped in cycles of trust and betrayal

Without intervention, these patterns can make relationships feel unstable and overwhelming.

Healing Trauma to Build Secure Relationships

The good news is that attachment wounds are not permanent. Healing is possible, especially through trauma-focused therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which helps individuals reprocess painful memories and develop healthier attachment patterns. Here’s how trauma therapy can support healing in relationships:

1. Reprocessing Trauma Triggers

Unresolved trauma often gets stored in the body and mind, leading to automatic reactions in relationships. EMDR helps individuals process these past experiences so they no longer dictate present behaviors.

For example, someone with an anxious attachment who feels overwhelming fear when a partner doesn’t immediately respond to a text can, through EMDR, work through the root fear of abandonment and develop a more secure internal response.

2. Developing a Felt Sense of Safety

Trauma teaches us that the world is unsafe and that relationships are dangerous. Therapy can help rebuild a sense of safety, not only within oneself but also in connection with others. This often involves:

• Learning self-soothing techniques

• Identifying and challenging negative core beliefs about relationships

• Strengthening boundaries while allowing for intimacy

3. Corrective Emotional Experiences

Healing attachment wounds involves experiencing relationships differently. This may come through therapy, friendships, or romantic partnerships where one learns that love can be consistent, safe, and nurturing. Over time, these experiences help shift attachment patterns toward greater security.

4. Rewriting the Internal Narrative

Trauma often creates narratives such as:

• “I am unlovable.”

• “People will always leave me.”

• “It’s safer to be alone.”

Through therapeutic work, individuals can replace these narratives with healthier, more balanced perspectives, leading to deeper and more fulfilling relationships.

Trauma and attachment are deeply intertwined, influencing the way we relate to ourselves and others. But these patterns are not destiny—healing is possible. Whether through EMDR, somatic therapy, IFS (Internal Family Systems), or other trauma-informed approaches, individuals can move toward more secure and fulfilling relationships.

If you find yourself struggling with attachment wounds, know that you are not alone. Healing takes time, but with the right support, you can rewrite your relational patterns and build a life where connection feels safe, stable, and enriching.

If you’re in Pasadena, CA, and looking for trauma-informed therapy to support your healing, feel free to reach out.